There has been a startling development in the trend of global warming. Several witnesses across the prairie provinces of Alberta, Manitoba and Saskatchewan have reported a trend whereby Spring refuses to take hold, and cold-weather animals, disaffected by global warming have invaded those provinces.
Yes, we realize that it seems a poorly-organized invasion force, particularly as they've traditionally lived at separate ends of the Earth, but mixed groups of polar bears and penguins of all types have been seen in the presence of well-dressed, liturgically-well-versed, and beady-eyed groundhogs. Normally groundhogs are the late winter go-to animal for weather prognostication, but it seems that this year we have been duped! Not only did various incarnations of the couch cushion-sized rodents predict an early end to winter and a relief from what had been seen as a mild time of rest, but they are now guilty of organizing a rebellion!
Arming polar bear-penguin "couples" with name tags and a mix of meteological and mythical writings, the hitherto "dull and witless" groundhogs are sending out scouting parties into the bread basket of Canada! Encounters with humans and animals alike have, reportedly, taken on a conciliatory, but dire tone. The larger of the couple, usually a polar bear in a smart vest and slack combination that forgoes shoes, knocks on the door. Their newly-matrimonialy-celebrated, cross species mate, the penguin, demurely dressed in black and white, waits paitiently by their side for the resident to answer the door, the speaker system, or the blockage to an attractive, uptown warren or burrow system. Then, marshalling the warnings of winter and of meteorlogical distress, the pair launch into a discussion, making notes, and using sorrowful looks to entice the resident animal–or human–to seek refuge on another part of the earth, preferably those in equatorial waters. In instances where pleas to flee the coming wrath of the Sun are not immediately heeded, the polar bear-penguin team, along with their intelligence, has been known to return with one of their groundhog sponsor-superiors. Brandishing a certified Meteorlogical Society Weather clicker, the groundhogs spews forth scientific words mixed with past prognostications, citing pages from unpublished years of the Farmer's Almanac.
We, friends, are here to tell you to stand up to the unattested and cross-species pairing of predator and prey, the polar bear and penguin! Stand up to the malevolence of the groundhog masquerading as a meteorlogical expert! Stand up and be counted as someone with enough sense to know that, contrary to the missives and misleading teachings of the rodents, Spring has not been subject to a "manufacturer's recall!" It is not necessary to see the wind in order to know that it exists. Believe, not in the willingness of bears to put aside their taste for shake and bake penguin, but in the signs, the smells, and the knowledge that weather is highly variable. Just as the expressions of life are variable, so, too, are the expressions of the elements!
Finally, hold firm in the faith that there is change around the corner. Know that although the weather is as changeable as the legislation of the Federal Conservatives, as wavering as the light of a candle in the middle of a room full of hay fever sufferers, and as uncertain as the whim of the public with regards to Canadian voting practices, groundhogs are capable of many things, including moving up to 700 pounds of earth to build a burrow. However, they are not capable of weather forecasting any more than they are able to fasten those fancy cufflinks that humanity seems to have invented that only women can do up. Not even the professional weather men and women of the nations around the world are able to fortell the weather, why shall a groundhog? They only want to assume our place at the top of the food chain! We believe it is the invention of microwave popcorn that has caused this desire to germinate among the rodents, see our sermon on the GOP, "Guinea Pigs, gOphers and Perestroika!"
For their previous prognostications, the vole-uminous villany of rapidly-ridiculed-rodentia shall be expertly expunged in alluring alliterations! And we believe we speak on behalf of the long-deceased Scottish poet Robert Burns when we suggest that we not punt the haggis, but the groundhog!
Stay strong, weather-beaten friends!
The Society Against Prognostication-Wielding Orders of Rodentia Korrecting for Experiential Rise in Suffering (S.AP.W.O.R.K.E.R.S.), Meteorlogical Division, Undermining Those Undermining Respected Meteorologists, Human Prognosticators, and Those Performing Marriage Ceremonies, However Unceremonious (MD, UTURM, HP, TPMCHC), a division of…
Cheers. Blessings! Le'Hitraoth!